Genesis got notes.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth, and honestly the turnaround time on that was impressive.

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light, and it was good, which is more than can be said for most group projects.

He made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night, a celestial understudy, if you will.

So God created man in his own image; male and female created he them, and immediately the paperwork began.

And on the seventh day God ended his work, and rested, establishing the original ‘do not disturb.’

And she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her, the first recorded case of peer pressure ending a tenancy.

And the LORD God called unto Adam, saying, Where art thou? History’s first rhetorical question.

Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, the first eviction on record, and the landlord literally owned the sky.

A flaming sword which turned every way. Security deposit: forfeited.

And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. Two career paths, one very bad performance review.

And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel. The field, notably, had no witnesses.

Am I my brother’s keeper?, history’s first alibi, and honestly not a great one.

And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. The original ‘this one is mine, hands off.’

And it repented the LORD that he had made man. Nothing says ‘redo’ like a global undo button.

Make thee an ark of gopher wood. Gopher wood: the one material rated for divine regret.

And the LORD shut him in. Door closed by the landlord himself.

The waters prevailed fifteen cubits upward. The most thorough deep clean in history.

Lo, in her mouth was an olive leaf. The first ‘still alive’ text, delivered by pigeon.

I do set my bow in the cloud. A rainbow: the original ceasefire notification.

And Noah drank of the wine, and was uncovered within his tent. Man survived the apocalypse and was immediately humbled by a vineyard.

Let us build us a tower, whose top may reach to heaven. The first startup with unlimited runway and no compliance department.

Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language. The original pivot to remote work.

Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the LORD did there confound the language of all the earth. Team communication issues, divine edition.

Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, lest thou be consumed. The original ‘you have ten minutes to leave the group chat.’

Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain. Instructions were, in hindsight, quite clear.

But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. The most literal consequence of checking your old life one last time.

Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest. The most stressful test email ever sent.

Lay not thine hand upon the lad. Graded on a curve, passed at the last possible moment.

And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket. Substitute offering: found. Divine logistics delivers again.

And Esau said, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me? History’s worst trade negotiation, conducted while hungry.

And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands. The first identity fraud, perpetrated on one’s own father, with goats.

And there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. Cardio so intense it renamed him: thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel.

And he made him a coat of many colours. The original ‘I have a favorite and it is not you’ gift.

And they cast him into a pit. Sibling rivalry, escalated.

And Joseph’s master took him, and put him into the prison. Promoted to dungeon; the man could not catch a break.

Thou shalt be over my house, and according unto thy word shall all my people be ruled. The greatest career comeback since ‘I am in a pit.’

Ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good. The most gracious ‘I told you so’ ever recorded.